The Lost Hornblower Movies
by Budding Authoress
Summary: Deep in the vaults of A&E, some brave soul found several rejected scripts for the Hornblower miniseries...and now we get to find out exactly WHY they were rejected. Please do not take these seriously. NEW SCRIPT UP!
1. HMS Ginormous

_HMS Ginormous_

A/N: These parodies are in the form of pitch scripts (read, a plot synopsis with key dialogue added in) for new Hornblower movies. The others will just be the scripts, but this one, for added comic effect, has comments underneath the dialogue that a producer wrote. I hope you like it.

TIME: Summer 2008

SETTING: A submarine in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

We meet a young man named Tim Hatitt. He's one of those guys who runs expeditions to sunken ships in the hope of finding some artifacts. But his all-consuming passion is to find a beautiful old ring made in the late 1700's. It's made of pure gold, and the ring is in the shape of a frigate of the era. Nowadays, it would be worth a fortune. The last known location of it was in the possession of one Mr. Simpson, who was a midshipman on the doomed ship, _The Ginormous_. This ship was the best frigate Britain ever made, that tragically was sunk by an iceberg on its first mission in 1798. More than half the crew, including Admiral Pellew (his last mission before retirement), and Captain Sawyer, died.

As we begin the story, Hatitt is underwater, scanning the Ginormous with those little submarine probes. Finally, the submarine finds Simpson's trunk in the midshipman's berth. Hatitt gets very excited.

HATITT: YES!! This is it!! The Friggin…sorry, Frigate Ring will be in my hands at last!

They bring the trunk on board, but to Hatitt's disappointment, there's no ring. But there is a large, stiff piece of paper. After cleaning it up, the salvage crew discovers that it's a sketch.

Of Horatio Hornblower. Wearing the ring. And nothing else.

(Note: This page is crumpled because the Producer kept slapping himself in the head with the pitch in an attempt to get that image out of his head. Waste of time, really; Horatio's getting nekkid again in another few pages).

MEANWHILE

Over in Britain, an old man who is still amazingly hot is reading a book on the age of sail during the Napoleonic wars. A beautiful young woman (think Horatio with boobs) is cooking dinner, listening idly to the television. A report comes on about the portrait, and the old man catches a glimpse of it. The book falls to the floor.

SALLY: What is it, Grandfather?

OLD MAN: Get me a phone book.

Soon, on the salvage ship, Hatitt receives a call.

OLD MAN: Have you found the Frigate Ring, Mr. Hatitt?

HATITT: Not yet. But you know who was wearing it.

OLD MAN: Yes. I was.

(Producer's note: WTF?!?!?!??!?!)

The old man and his caretaker are flown to the ship. Nobody can quite believe their eyes.

(Producer's note: They ain't the only ones!)

OLD MAN: Meet my great-times-one hundred-granddaughter, Sally.

SALLY: Pleased to meet you.

HATITT: Would you like anything, Sir?

OLD MAN: I'd like to see the portrait.

He does, and strokes the charcoal delicately. Hatitt leans over.

HATITT: What's the story, Mr. Hornblower? Why are you wearing the ring?

OLD MAN: It's a long story.

HATITT: I've got time.

(Producers Note: Forget the story of the _Ginormous_! Tell me how the hell Horatio's managed to look so good for a 300 year old guy!)

So, of course…FLASHBACK

Horatio Hornblower was being coerced into sailing on board _The Ginormous_ as a Midshipman. His father was dirt poor and needed the money. There were 1000 sailors on board, including the retiring Admiral Edward Pellew. The ship was captained by Sawyer, with Buckland as first Lieutenant and Bush as Second, and Bracegirdle as third. There are three non-sailors on board. Lord Edrington and Monsieur Cotard, a French Royalist, helped fund the building of the ship. They are very proud of this.

(Producer's note: This is the most damned eclectic ship's crew I've ever seen!)

COTARD: This is the most magnificent frigate ever built! No storm, revolutionary French ship, or _Dieu_ himself could sink it!

EDRINGTON: Here, Here!

The third non-sailor is, in fact, a former Sailor. This is Matthews, who helped build the ship and is making sure all is running smoothly. Everybody likes him. He and Hornblower get along pretty well.

MATTHEWS: Just make sure my ship runs smoothly, Mr. 'Ornblower. That's all I ask.

HORATIO: I'll do my best.

Meanwhile, Senior Midshipman Jack Simpson, who has recently purchased the Frigate Ring so he can have something to brag about, sees the young, innocent Mr. Hornblower and decides to have some fun with him.

SIMPSON: Snotty there looks like he could be fun to play with…

Meanwhile again, the enthusiastic Archie Kennedy is playing cards with a member of the Admiralty, for the following stakes; if Archie wins, he gets a commission as Midshipman on '_Ginormous_'. If not, he's stuck at half-pay for a year with no complaining. Needless to say, he wins, and there's a mad dash to get to the ship before it sails. He juuust makes it, and is very happy about it.

ARCHIE: I'm the lord of the sea! YEE-HAH!

STYLES: Get your arse off the figurehead, Sir! I've just had her painted!

(Producer's note: "Lord of the Sea?" That has got to be the lamest parody line _ever!)_

A few days go by, wherein Horatio is tortured by Simpson (though there's absolutely no sodomy; Jack's just a sadist). He and Archie never meet, because this ship is so huge that there are two midshipmen's berths. Finally, unable to stand it anymore, Horatio runs to the other end of the ship and prepares to throw himself overboard. Archie happens to be on watch, and sees him.

ARCHIE: What in bloody hell are you doing, sir?

HORATIO: Let me be! Just let me end it all!

ARCHIE: Don't be a git. That water's freezing! Instead of a quick death, it would be slow and painful! Is that really how you want to go?

Horatio hesitates, and, finally, allows Archie to guide him back to the deck. Simpson sees them and demands to know what was going on.

HORATIO: I was taking the air, sir, and I slipped. Mr.…

ARCHIE: Kennedy.

HORATIO: Mr. Kennedy here was just helping me up.

SIMPSON: I don't believe I've seen you before.

ARCHIE: It's a big ship.

SIMPSON: Well, my thanks. I would rather not lose one of our crew to an unfortunate accident. It wouldn't look good on my record. Join us for dinner in our Midshipmen's berth.

ARCHIE: Will do.

That night, Simpson beats up Horatio (he knows full well what Horatio was planning), then brandishes the Frigate Ring.

SIMPSON: Do you have any idea what this is, Snotty? It's the Friggin—sorry, Frigate—Ring, and it's worth more than you'll ever be. (Placing it in Horatio's hand.) And so I'm leaving it in your care. If anything happens to it, you'll suffer worse than this! Do you understand me?

HORATIO: Yes, sir.

Archie meets up with Horatio the next day, carrying a sketchbook. It turns out Archie is quite the artist; he really wanted to go to sea primarily so he could get an idea of battle so he could make huge portraits. But he's started off slow; landscapes, buildings, animals, nude men…

HORATIO: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?

ARCHIE (joking): Gay porn?

HORATIO: It's disgusting!

ARCHIE: Chill, Mr. Hornblower. These are friends and family members who were willing to let me sketch them so I could practice anatomy. I don't have inclinations like that, I swear. Here (shows him the pages full of naked hookers) Now _these_ aren't family members.

HORATIO: (Turns red.) Mr. Kennedy…these are obscene. Yet…you're very talented. I just wish they had some clothes on.

ARCHIE: Merely for anatomy lessons. I've got some clothed ones around here somewhere…

Anyway, a friendship quickly forms. Horatio tells Archie the whole story about how he really doesn't want to be here.

ARCHIE: What do you want to do, then?HORATIO: Oh, I didn't say I didn't want to be in the Navy. No, no, I just want to be allowed to make my own choices, to live my own life! I never had a childhood, Mr. Kennedy. I don't even know if I know how to have fun!

Archie goes to dinner as promised, where he soon sees what a jerk Simpson is, and how cowed Horatio is by him. After the dinner, he shakes Horatio's hand, slipping a note into it.

NOTE: Main mast in fifteen minutes.

Horatio goes there, and Archie cracks a grin.

ARCHIE: Like a lesson in fun?

He takes Horatio below decks, where the crew is wild and raucous (or as much as you can be on a Frigate, which is actually pretty wild). Horatio is jostled, shoved, and gets rum spilled all over him…and he loves every minute of it.

HORATIO: You think you're all tough men? Let's see you do this! (Lifts a very surprised Archie in the air)

ARCHIE (once on the ground): How did you do that?

HORATIO: Manual labor since age five. You get muscles pretty quickly.

After the party, Horatio is laughing, something he hasn't done much in his life. Archie grins.

ARCHIE: And that's called 'loosening up'. Did you like it?HORATIO: You know, I rather did.

Simpson is not at all pleased with the backbone Horatio's developing. A violent beating ensues, reverting Horatio back to normal. When Horatio and Archie meet again (long after the bruises have healed), Horatio tries to break it all off.

HORATIO: It's not good for you to be with me, Archie. I'm…I'm sort of a solitary person. I don't make or keep friends easily.

ARCHIE: Seems to me like you've never had any friends, period. Don't let Simpson get to you. You're better than him. You're stronger than him. Don't let him take the spark I see inside you and extinguish it.

HORATIO (laughs derisively): 'Spark'? What the devil are you talking about, Kennedy?

ARCHIE: You could be the greatest sailor the world has ever seen. But you need to be able to stand your ground. You've got the potential. But you need to give yourself a chance. And if you don't watch out, Simpson is going to take all that strength you've built up and destroy you utterly.

Horatio leaves Archie in a huff. But as he watches Simpson bullying the sailors, he realizes that Archie was right. He can't let himself be abused like this. He goes to find Archie so he can apologize. Archie is on the rigging.

HORATIO: Archie? I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I've seen the wisdom in your words.

ARCHIE (grins): Great. Hey, check this out.

He gets Horatio to the top of the rigging.

HORATIO: I…I'm sort of afraid of heights, Archie.

ARCHIE: What sort of friend would I be if I let you plunge to your death? Trust me.

At the top, he guides Horatio to a safe foothold, looking out to sea.

ARCHIE: Pretty, huh? I come up here to do sunset sketches.

HORATIO: Archie…It's magnificent. It's like I'm flying.

(Producer's note: Oh, lord, if ever a scene screamed 'slash…')

No, they don't kiss passionately. But they do smile at each other; Horatio's finally breaking free of his old life.

(Producer's note: Thank _God…_)

HORATIO: Thank you.

ARCHIE: No prob.

Horatio gets reckless now. He decides to stand up to Simpson in a rather…unusual way.

HORATIO: Archie…come to my midshipman's berth. And bring your sketchbook.

When Archie arrives, Horatio produces the Frigate Ring, which he's been keeping locked in his trunk, wrapped in what just looks like an old rag.

ARCHIE: Damn, you could kill someone with that!HORATIO: It's Simpson's. He wants me to keep it safe, or I'll suffer the consequences. (grins evilly). Well, I'm sick of him beating me up.

ARCHIE: So why am I here?

HORATIO: I'll give him something else to rip apart. I want you to draw me wearing this, flouting his authority.

ARCHIE (laughs): Horatio, that's perfect!

HORATIO: This…and only this.

Archie is, of course, shocked.

ARCHIE: _Nude_? But what about all your shock when you saw my other work?

HORATIO: That was the old me. The new me's ready to be…daring!

So Archie agrees. Horatio goes into the shadows, coming out half-dressed. He grins at Archie, slipping the ring on his finger.

HORATIO: Just think of it as another anatomy lesson, Archie.

When the pants come off, Archie's eyebrows go up. (BTW, need I say that we will only be shooting Horatio from the waist up until he gets some clothes on?)

ARCHIE: I think I need bigger paper.

(Producer's note: Damn, girl, you're going to be giving fangirls pleasant dreams for _years_!)

Archie draws Horatio leaning up against the wall, flipping Simpson the bird, the Frigate Ring on his middle finger. When Archie's done, Horatio nods his approval, and puts both the ring and the sketch in Simpson's trunk, the sketch safely tucked in a leather pouch.

ARCHIE: He's going to kill you when he finds out.

HORATIO: That's why I'm moving to your end of the ship. But it's worth it.

The two of them go out on the deck, laughing and joking. There will _not_ be a scene of Archie and Horatio running through the ship, trying to avoid being caught by Simpson, culminating in the two of them in the hold, and a hand slapping up against a steamy porthole. Nope. Uh-uh. Get that image out of your head right now.

(Producer's note: DAMN YOU!!! That thought's _never_ coming out!)

Meanwhile, Pellew and Sawyer are talking on the captain's deck.

PELLEW: It's a dark night; no moon. Tell the men to be on an especial alert.

SAWYER: No disrespect sir, but I know what I'm doing.

Horatio and Archie are leaning against the railing, talking, when they hear the cry.

STYLES: _ICEBERG RIGHT AHEAD!!!_

It's a huge iceberg, almost as big as the _Ginormous_. Sawyer instantly gets busy.

SAWYER: Hard-to-starboard, now!

PELLEW: Wouldn't 'port' be more appropriate?

SAWYER: In battle, I obey your orders. But remember, this is my ship, and only the Captain can give orders on how to sail it! To starboard!

Horatio and Archie run towards the captain's deck in order to see if they can help. But just as they reach the door, the entire ship is rocked by an explosion. Suddenly, Gallic lilts fill the air.

FRENCHMAN: Daffy English sailors! Your mothers were hamsters and your fathers reeked of elderberries!

FRENCHMAN 2: How do you like our little iceberg surprise? We are not called _La Glace_ for nothing!

The ship passes by, laughing maniacally. The three non-sailors join the others (now including Horatio and Archie).

EDRINGTON: What the bloody hell was that?

PELLEW: A Frenchman, disguised as an iceberg.

COTARD: Ah, is there no depths to which my traitorous countrymen will not sink?

MATTHEWS: Apt choice of words, Mr. Cotard, sir.

The broadside smashed through seven of the planks supporting the lower decks. It's going down.

EDRINGTON: But the ship can't sink!

MATTHEWS: It is. It was designed for the loss of up to six supporting planks, no more. It's sinking, sir.

PELLEW: How long?

MATTHEWS: Two hours, if we're lucky.

PELLEW (to Sawyer): How many boats do we have?

SAWYER: Ten. Enough for 500 men.

ARCHIE: But there are over 1000 men aboard!

PELLEW: What boats are in the area?

SAWYER: Only _The Victory_, and it's only just within signaling distance. Even with fair winds, it would take them four hours to reach us.

PELLEW: S. (To the Mids) Call the other lieutenants. Start loading the boats.

As Archie and Horatio run down the decks, waking up men and alerting the lieutenants, a hopping mad Simpson arrives.

SIMPSON: How _dare_ you, Snotty? To wear my ring is blasphemous enough, but to show utter contempt both for it and for me…

HORATIO: Shut your mouth, Simpson! In case you haven't noticed, we're sinking! There's no time for personal issues! Take it up with me after we're safe!

SIMPSON: Screw that! (Punching Archie). You put him up to this, didn't you? For that, you need to pay the price!

Horatio grabs Simpson, lifts him up, and slams him against the mast.

HORATIO: Save the men, Simpson. We need to work together.

SIMPSON (spits in Horatio's face): Work? Not on your life! I have to get on a boat, now!

Simpson runs off, stopping off in his room only to get the Frigate Ring. Archie and Horatio, a lot more noble than Simpson, help Bush load the boats with the men (able bodied seamen first). But most of the men don't think this is really happening. The boats are being filled halfway, if best. Then Archie remembers something.

ARCHIE: Damn! The cabin boys! They're in the lower decks, and with all the debris…they could be trapped!

BUSH: Take Mr. Hornblower and try to rescue them!

They make their way below. The water is freezing cold. They find three cabin boys (sadly, the ship had twelve), and try to lead them up to safety. Another beam breaks just as they reach the stairs, and one of the boys is washed away.

HORATIO: Archie, take these boys and run!

ARCHIE: What are you…

Horatio wraps his coat around one of the boys and plunges in after the lost one. He actually manages to rescue him, but it's a near thing. When he returns on deck, to his unpleasant surprise, most of the boats are gone. Just then, Pellew sees him.

PELLEW: Good God, man, you're soaked through! (Seeing Simpson running up). You there, Mr. Simpson! Give Mr. Hornblower your coat! A hero like this shouldn't die of hypothermia!

The Frigate Ring is in Simpson's coat, but Simpson is so panicked that he forgets. He throws the coat at Horatio and tries to go find a boat. Horatio finds Archie, who safely saw the other boys off.

HORATIO: Why didn't you go? You had the chance.

ARCHIE: What sort of friend would I be if I left you behind?

The movie would take too long to describe in detail, so I'll be brief. Sawyer, overcome with guilt, shoots himself. Pellew gallantly goes down with the ship, entrusting a dispatch for the admiralty to Horatio. Matthews, heart-broken at the loss of his ship, sits in his cabin and waits for the end. Both Edrington and Cotard sneak on board boats, to the sailor's displeasure. Simpson uses the cabin boy Horatio rescued to save his own skin, pretending the boy is his son (the boy can't argue because he's fainted from fear). And as the ship goes down, Horatio and Archie find themselves back on top of the mast.

ARCHIE: We've got to stay dry for as long as possible! Don't let go until I say!

The ship sinks. Archie helps Horatio climb aboard the figurehead (which was broken off). But it can't support both of them. Archie grins a little.

ARCHIE: I've swum in worse.

Meanwhile, in one of the boats, a man with a very impressive voice is coming to a decision…

BUSH: We have to go back! We've got plenty of room. Listen to those poor bastards!

But a lot of the men are reluctant, and it takes some of Bush's incredible voice power to get them in line. By then, most of the men have already frozen.

Meanwhile, on the figurehead…

ARCHIE: Make me a promise, Horatio. Keep this new wild streak of yours. It will serve you well. Don't let men like Simpson grind you down. Be successful. Be happy.

HORATIO: I swear it, Archie.

ARCHIE (grins faintly): That's the way.

Bush arrives…too late. Only a few men are still alive.

BUSH: _IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE OUT THERE?!_

(Producer's note: Why do I think someone else should be saying that…?)

Horatio hears the voice.

HORATIO: Bush…! He's come back. (Shaking Archie) Archie, wake up! Bush is here to pick up survivors! Archie!

But Archie has finally succumbed to the water. Horatio closes his eyes, keeping back the tears.

HORATIO: I'm sorry, Archie. Thank you for everything.

And he lets him go, finding just enough strength to swim to Bush's boat and be hauled aboard.

(Producer's note: And thus Jamie Bamber continues the grand tradition of dying/disappearing for long stretches in everything he's in.)

_La_ _Glace _has vanished into the night. The men wait nervously for day, when _The Victory_ finally shows up and rescues them. Horatio is half-frozen, but the doctor wraps him in blankets and gives him coffee and he's soon all right. Then he climbs to the top of the mast and cries his eyes out.

(Producer's note: Thus giving every fangirl in the audience a heart-attack—OD'd on vulnerability.)

At last, we're back in the present. Everyone is overwhelmed by the story.

OLD MAN: I kept my promise. I was the most respected Admiral after Nelson. I've taken risks, but I always knew when to cross the line. Perhaps that's why I've lived so long.

(Producer's note: And why you're in the Guinness Book of World Records.)

Hatitt gives up his search, out of respect for the dead. That night, Horatio goes to the stern of the ship, holding the Frigate Ring in his hand. Grinning a little, he throws it into the sea. And that night, he dreams (or is it a dream?) that he's young again and back on board the _Ginormous_, with Pellew, Matthews, the other decent sailors, and Archie. The two friends give each other a chaste, but very loving, hug, while everyone around them applauds. It's a sweet moment. Then come the last words of the film.

ARCHIE: _CELEBRATORY JELLO SHOTS!_

FINAL WORD: Not a bad concept…but who would pay good money to watch a ship sink for three hours?

A/N: The ship is called the 'Ginormous', because I wanted a ship name that was a synonym to 'Titanic'. Of course, there's gigantic, enormous, huge, etc. But, since this is supposed to be silly, I just took a modern term, 'ginormous', and put it in. I hope it worked.

I'll upload other parodies once I get some feedback for this story. It can be good or bad, I don't care. But until I get three reviews, I'm not updating. Yeah, I'm a sucker for feedback; it soothes the writer inside me that wants to be loved.


	2. Brokeback Navy

Brokeback Navy

A/N: I know I promised I'd update after I got three reviews. However, the day I went to post this parody, news came of the death of Heath Ledger. I figured it would be in bad taste to post this so soon after his death, so I held off. Believe me when I say that I mean no disrespect to Mr. Ledger's memory.

That said, I can't BELIEVE nobody thought of this before I did.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hornblower, or any scenes remotely resembling "Brokeback Mountain".

SETTING: Portsmouth, 1793.

Seventeen year-old Horatio gets a job aboard HMS _Brokeback_ as a midshipman. The captain, seeing Horatio's inexperience, puts him under the care of Archie Kennedy, who's been working there for a year. The two become good friends.

ARCHIE: You're getting better at this, Mr. Hornblower. We might make a proper sailor out of you yet!

We get a few scenes (very picturesque, I might add) of the two men living the sailor's life. Climbing the rigging, firing the cannons, etc.

ARCHIE (after one of Horatio's shots hits its mark): YEE-HAH! (Shoves Horatio affectionately)

HORATIO: I got sick and tired of your shots going wide.

ARCHIE: Take that back! (Noogies Horatio).

Then one night, during a storm, Horatio is soaked through. Archie encourages him to join Archie's hammock until he warms up.

ARCHIE: Come on…you can't do your duty nearly as well if you've got a head cold.

They wind up bedding each other in slow-motion, with really bizarre close-ups. The next morning, Horatio is ashamed of it.

HORATIO: What have I done? If the captain ever finds out, he'll have me flogged!

ARCHIE: Then we have to be careful, don't we?

Despite himself, Horatio goes back for more.

ARCHIE: Have you ever tried making love underwater?

HORATIO: I've never tried making love, period.

ARCHIE: Ah, you have so much to learn, love. And I'm more than willing to teach you.

Then we have a bizarre scene of them having sex underwater. Fish are harmed in the making of this scene.

HORATIO: Good God, Archie, what did that poor fish ever do to you?

ARCHIE: It's actually quite invigorating. You should try it.

Inevitably, the captain finds out, and transfers Horatio to the _Indefatigable._

CAPTAIN: I don't need hijinks like this aboard my ship!

HORATIO: I'm sorry, sir.

He says goodbye to Archie, who is not at all pleased.

ARCHIE: Damn it! I knew we shouldn't have tried F------ over the cannons!

HORATIO: Take care of yourself, Archie. And…thanks for the lessons.

Aboard the _Indy_, Horatio finds a proper mentor in the form of Captain Pellew. If Pellew knows about what happened on _Brokeback_, he doesn't say. But he does give Horatio a warning.

PELLEW: Men often do strange things in their youth, things they could later regret if society gets wind of it. Remember, Mr. Hornblower, there is a difference between the bond that sailors form in battle, and the bond of love.

HORATIO: Aye-aye, sir.

A few years pass. Horatio tries to forget what happened. He's always liked women—this had to be a onetime thing. He even gets married to a woman he always thought was beautiful.

BARBARA: Have you ever been in love before, Horatio, my dear?

HORATIO: …Once. But it was a folly of youth.

Then he becomes a lieutenant and is transferred to the _Renown_. Archie is there, serving as fourth lieutenant. The moment their eyes meet, it all comes rushing back.

ARCHIE: How about a kiss? For old time's sake.

Horatio resists, but not for long. They have a routine; on leave, they go their separate ways, Horatio to Barbara, Archie to God knows where. But when they're back on board, they are lovers.

HORATIO: On the _bow?_ Are you crazy?

ARCHIE: The others will think it's the wind doing strange things to the figurehead.

They manage to keep it secret from the crew, but Barbara slowly figures out the truth (and gets proof when Archie comes over to meet Horatio's wife and snogs him behind the house).

HORATIO: This is not a wise idea. If Barbara sees this…

ARCHIE: Adds an element of danger. Now be quiet and kiss or I'll ravish you right here in the garden.

Barbara confronts Horatio, who is completely ashamed of hurting her.

BARBARA: I thought you loved me!HORATIO: I do. I really do. But Archie…he won't let me be. He's got some sort of power over me.

Barbara leaves him. Horatio finds solace in Archie's arms.

ARCHIE: It's better this way. We were meant for each other.

HORATIO: We'll be condemned by society. They'll all say we're going to hell.

ARCHIE (kissing him): Let them.

Then trouble comes in the form of William Bush. Archie likes what he sees. Horatio, despite himself, gets jealous.

HORATIO: What happened to "You and I", Archie? Does that vanish the moment some other pretty boy appears on deck?

ARCHIE: Stay calm, Horatio. It's only a mild curiosity.

Bush, however, is straight. Archie hits on him, with disastrous results.

ARCHIE: You're welcome to share my cabin, if you like, Mr. Bush.

BUSH: What the devil has gotten into your head, Mr. Kennedy?

Nursing his pride, Archie sleeps with Wellard. Not only is Horatio furious, but Sawyer (already going gonzo) finds out about it.

SAWYER: So, not only are they plotting mutiny, they're sinning in the eyes of God! I must rectify this situation immediately.

Horatio and Archie have a huge argument.

HORATIO: I wish I knew how to quit you! You've ruined me!

ARCHIE: You were just waiting to be corrupted! How could any man resist?!

Then they make up with a serious make-out session down in the hold…interrupted by Wellard to tell them the captain is on his way.

SAWYER: Damned sodomites and mutineers! Where are they, then?

Sawyer falls into the hold. Horatio is horrified, but Archie celebrates by 'doing' Horatio on the maintop.

ARCHIE: We're free, Horatio, don't you see? No more accusations! No more suspicion! No more continuous watches that leave us less time to be with each other!

Horatio never quite sees it from Archie's point of view; he's sure the crew will assume the worst. But his passion for Archie reaches new heights, causing him to become reckless; he bathes completely nude for the entire ship to see. That night, Archie is very appreciative.

ARCHIE: You're rather appetizing when so many men are admiring you.

HORATIO: Why, Mr. Kennedy, I do believe you're jealous.

ARCHIE: You insult my honor, sir! Fifty lashes for that!

Sawyer comes to, but is killed in some battle or other. Nobody knows exactly what happened to Sawyer, but the men all loyal to him assume Archie pushed him (not Horatio; he always walks around with the look of a scared fawn). There is a court-martial.

JUDGES: We find the defendants cleared of all charges concerning the injury of Captain Sawyer. It was clearly an accident.

Sawyer's loyal men are not happy. They corner Archie in a dark alley and beat him to death, screaming 'Murderer' and 'sodomite' simultaneously. Horatio doesn't find out about this until after the funeral. He goes to see Archie's family, hiding his guilt.

FATHER: They must have been mistaken. Archie would never have done something like that. You knew him, you must have seen that too.

HORATIO: I did. He could never have killed Sawyer. Never.

Allowed to see Archie's room, Horatio discovers his old midshipman's jacket, which he thought he'd lost. He clenches it to him and bursts into tears.

HORATIO: Oh, God, Archie…it's only now that I can see how much you cared. And…how much I loved you.

Allowed to keep the jacket, Horatio returns to his home, thinking perhaps he can make it up with Barbara. But he keeps the jacket in his closet (or, when at sea, in his seachest)…as a memory.

A/N: Forgive me, "BBM" fans, if it's nothing at all like the film you remember. I have finally seen the film, and I liked it. However, a) Archie has no woman in the series, b) I needed to make the story sort of fit the period, and c) I like the way mine turned out (but I HAD to put the famous 'I wish I knew how to quit you' line in).

PLEASE Read and Review! Flame me if you must; I know this is a sensitive subject. I really want feedback!


	3. The Frigate Captain

The Frigate Captain

A/N: First, sorry for taking so long on this latest installment.

Second, thank you to everyone who's commented. Powdermonkey, you flatter me by saying I'm your favorite. Antalya1705—no, I have not seen Battlestar Galactica, but I do have it on DVD and I'm sure I'll get around to it sometime.

Finally, I hope you enjoy this next parody, enormous historical inaccuracies aside.

TIME: Dawn 1794

SETTING: The deck of the _Indefatigable_.

The sun slowly peeks over the sea. The silence is broken by the cry of a cabin boy.

CABIN BOY: All hands on deck! There's to be a ceremony!

Slowly, the lieutenants, midshipmen, and crew members heed the call, gathering beneath the captain's quarterdeck. Then, for no apparent reason, a woman's voice starts singing.

WOMAN: It's the chain of command,

And it moves us all,

From a new crewman

To Fleet Admiral,

Till we find our place

In the Royal Navy

And the chain

The chain of command

Pellew is standing on the deck, looking noble. Stepping aside, he reveals a very nervous looking Horatio. Pellew grins encouragingly and picks up a brand new sword, one fit for a captain of a frigate, removes Horatio's pathetic little midshipman sword, and replaces it with the new one. No words are passed, but we get the idea; Horatio is to be Pellew's replacement should Pellew die. Everyone cheers 'God Save the King!' as the woman sings the chorus of 'Chain of Command' again. Then with a bang of the drums, we see the title; "THE FRIGATE CAPTAIN".

The scene changes to a morose looking Simpson, who's been called into Pellew's quarters.

PELLEW: I didn't see you at the ceremony today, Mr. Simpson. As chief Midshipman you should have been first in line.

SIMPSON: I was first in line…until Snotty came around.

PELLEW: Mr. Hornblower is your future captain. You should show him the proper respect.

SIMPSON (turning to leave): Mayhap I will. (In an undertone) At his funeral.

Meanwhile, Horatio is not overly excited about the prospect of being Captain. His best friend, Archie, tries to cheer him up.



ARCHIE: What the hell are you so grumpy about? You're gonna be the Captain! You'll get to do whatever you please!

HORATIO: It doesn't work like that, Archie. With great power comes great responsibility.

ARCHIE: Wrong Parody.

HORATIO: Sorry.

Archie is determined to get Horatio to have a little fun. So, completely unaware that Horatio is tone deaf, starts singing.

ARCHIE: You're gonna rule the seven seas,

So all Frenchmen beware.

HORATIO (spoken): Well, I've never seen a brave captain

With such long girly hair.

ARCHIE: You're gonna be in the limelight

Like no man was before

So brush up on your looking down,

And work upon your roar.

HORATIO (spoken): This isn't really helping, Archie.

ARCHIE (singing): You're gonna captain the _Indy!_

One whole song later, Horatio still hasn't loosened up. So Archie tackles him, eventually pinning him against the mast.

ARCHIE: Got you!

HORATIO: Hey! You just caught me off guard!

They wrestle again, and Horatio is back up against the mast.

ARCHIE: Got you again!

Simpson watches the two of them, silently stewing and calculating. That night, he finds all the crewmembers of the _Indefatigable_ who are less than satisfied with their conditions (a partial list includes Bunting, Hunter, Hobbs, and Wolfe).

SIMPSON: I would have thought you lot would have thrown a mutiny by now.

HOBBS: That's a hanging offense, Simpson, and you know it. What do you want us to do, kill Captain Pellew?

SIMPSON: Exactly.

Taking advantage of the shock this statement has caused, Simpson bursts into song.

SIMPSON: I know that your levels of reason

Are as dim as the depths of the hold,

But listen up, for 'tis the season,

And if I may be so bold,

It's clear from the look that you give me



You're not quite sure what I'm up to,

But we speak about the captaincy,

His choice is bound to affect _you_.

So prepare for a changing of command,

Be prepared for a new point of view,

It's better than mutiny,

You just wait and you'll see.

HOBBS: And where do we come in?

SIMPSON: Just shut up and listen.

I know it seems crazy,

But morals are hazy

When it comes to the likes of you,

So wait and don't you run away scared,

Be prepared!!

The crew still don't get what he's on about.

WOLFE: Be prepared for _what?_

SIMPSON: For the death of the captain.

WOLFE: Well, he is sorta old…

SIMPSON: No, you git, I'm going to kill him. Snotty too.

HOBBS: Why not? Who needs a captain?

SIMPSON: You morons! There will _still _be a captain! Me! Support me, and you'll have all the rum you'll ever want!

Needless to say, that sways the sailors immediately. With a set of men on his side, Simpson makes plans.

His chance comes a week later, when the _Indy _does battle against a French ship. Simpson gets Hunter to tell Horatio that he's needed on the fighting top. Horatio grudgingly climbs up, but halfway there, his fear of heights, combined with the cannonballs whizzing around, lead to him clinging desperately to a fraying rope. Simpson, counting on Pellew's fondness for Horatio, waits on the fighting top. Sure enough, Pellew comes to Horatio's rescue. But in the process of helping Horatio gain a foothold on a different set of ratlines, his own set is shot (or are they cut?) away from him. He ends up clinging to the fighting top by his fingers. Simpson's there waiting.

PELLEW: For God's sake, man, pull me up!

SIMPSON: (seizing his wrists) God save the King.

And he lets go, sending Pellew falling. Horrified, Horatio scrambles off the mast and finds Pellew's body in the shadows (the battle is so heavy elsewhere that at the moment, no one else notices).

HORATIO: Sir, get up. We need you. Get up. Please.

But it does no good. Simpson approaches and chooses his words carefully.



SIMPSON: What happened here?

HORATIO: My fear of heights…he came to save me…and then…it was an accident!!

SIMPSON: The ship has been robbed of her Captain, just when she needs him most. And _you're _to blame. Do you think anyone would follow you after what you've done?

HORATIO: No…no, they'd never accept me. I need to face them.

SIMPSON: No no no, for they could be too lenient on you. Perhaps they, too, will feel it's an accident. But we know better, don't we?

HORATIO: Yes…what must I do?

SIMPSON: Desert. Jump over the side and desert the ship. And never come back.

Heartbroken and consumed with guilt, Horatio removes his sword and plunges over the side. Simpson's men take shots at him as he swims off, but are too afraid of getting plugged by French bullets. So they leave well enough alone and hope Horatio drowns. Simpson, faking grief, pretends both Pellew and Horatio were killed, and proceeds to take over the _Indefatigable._

Horatio, however, does not drown. Instead, he washes up on the shores of France, half-dead. A bunch of Republican Frenchmen surround him and prepare to kill him, when a runaway wagon nearly kills _them_ instead. They scatter. But it turns out it wasn't a runaway wagon; it was being driven by two Royalists, Moncoutant and Cotard, who have made it their goal to cause as much trouble for the Republicans as possible.

MONCOUTANT: Hey, there's a body washed up by the sea. I think he's still alive.

COTARD: _Sacre merde_, it's a Brit! Let's get out of here!

MONCOUTANT: But he's so young! He won't cause us any trouble…especially if we get him to join our side!

COTARD: Hey! Maybe we can get him to join our side! How do I come up with these things?

They bring Horatio to their home (on the outskirts of the town), and revive him.

COTARD: So what brings you to the shores of France, kid?

HORATIO: I don't want to talk about it.

MONCOUTANT: Anything we could do?

HORATIO: Only if you can turn back time.

COTARD: Not exactly, but you can always just say _Ivrogne Matelot._

HORATIO: What?

MONCOUTANT: _Ivrogne Matelot_. It means stop worrying about the past.

HORATIO: I thought it meant 'Drunken Sailor'.

COTARD: Sure, if you want to get _literal_…

With that, the two Frenchmen burst into song.

COTARD: _Ivrogne Matelot_, un phrase j'aime parler…

MONCOUTANT: _Ivrogne Matelot,_ il n'est pas un absurdité…

COTARD: Il signifie plasir, pour ta vie entier…

BOTH: C'est un sans-souci

Philosophie

_Ivrogne Matelot._

The two men pull Horatio into a dance, even though he's still busy trying to figure out what on earth the song means. Eventually he gets the gist: stop worrying about the past and live in the present. While he can't actually live by that philosophy, he does agree to help them cause havoc among the Republican Frenchmen. And as time passes, he grows up from a young boy…into a devastatingly handsome man (although to the rabid fangirl eye, there's probably not much of a difference).

Then one day, Moncoutant gets separated from the other two in his attempt to loosen the wheels on the tumblers (the carts that drive victims to the guillotine). He suddenly comes across a British Sailor, who apparently has murder on his mind. Moncoutant flees, and runs headlong into Cotard.

COTARD: What are you screaming about _now_?

MONCOUTANT: He's gonna kill me!

COTARD: _Mon Dieu, _why do I always have to save your…ARGH!

The stranger is bearing down on them with his sword. Just when all seems doomed, Horatio leaps in to save them. The two Brits battle for awhile, until, unexpectedly, the stranger pins Horatio against the wall in a way that seems familiar…

HORATIO: Archie?

ARCHIE: Wha…Who are you?

HORATIO: It's me. Horatio.

Archie squeals with joy and gives Horatio a hug. The two French Guys look flabbergasted.

COTARD: _Attendez._ You know him, he knows you. But he wants to kill my friend. And you're all fine with this? _Did I miss something_?

ARCHIE: Sorry about that. I thought you were a Republican who was going to kill me.

After some apologies are made, the two Frenchman go off to cause mayhem, while Horatio and Archie get reacquainted.

ARCHIE: We thought you were dead. You have no idea what that'll mean to everyone. What it means to me.

HORATIO: Oh, come on…

ARCHIE: I've missed you.

HORATIO: I've…I've missed you too.

A woman's voice starts singing (not the same one from the beginning of the story).

WOMAN: Can you feel the love tonight…

HORATIO: HOLD IT!!

WOMAN: What?

HORATIO: 'Love?' Archie and I in love? What gave you that idea?



WOMAN: Over 100 slash stories can't be wrong, dude.

HORATIO: Well, not in _this_ story!

WOMAN: Fine!

Therefore, we shall have to cut the semi-romantic montage. So let's get to the part where the two of them are sitting by the river and talking.

ARCHIE: You need to come back. Simpson's made life hell on the _Indy._ You wouldn't even recognize it. The ship needs a proper captain, Horatio, and you're the one it needs.

HORATIO: I can't go back, Archie. Simpson deserves the title.

Confused and hurt, Archie goes back to the ship. Horatio returns home and falls asleep. In his dreams, Pellew comes to him.

PELLEW (in echoing voice): Mr. Hornblower, you have forgotten me.

HORATIO: Never!

PELLEW: You are a Briton, and the one true Captain. But by abandoning the ship, you have forgotten that, and therefore have forgotten me.

HORATIO: I can't go back! I'm not worthy.

PELLEW: _Damn your impudence, sir!_ You have more talent in your fingernail than Simpson has in his entire body!

Horatio wakes up, lies there thinking, then finally makes up his mind.

HORATIO: Cotard! Moncoutant! Get up! We're going to the _Indy!_

Using a stolen rowboat, they make their way to the ship. To Horatio's horror, the beautiful ship is a wreck. The sails have holes in them, the paint's peeling, and it looks like one good wave would tip it over. Horatio climbs tentatively over the side and hides in the shadows, watching Simpson.

SIMPSON: Kennedy! You're supposed to be finding food for us!

ARCHIE: Captain, the rations are gone. You have been too extravagant.

SIMPSON: The fault does not lie with the captain, but with his officers.

ARCHIE: If you were half the captain Pellew was…

SIMPSON (striking Archie): I am ten times the captain Pellew was! Learn your place, boy!

Simpson crouches and begins the act of removing Archie's pants. Then a gunshot cracks through the air. Everyone looks up and sees Horatio standing there, furious.

ARCHIE: You came back. Why?

HORATIO: It doesn't matter. I'm here.

SIMPSON: Well, well, well, Snotty. I'm a little surprised to see you alive.

Horatio draws his sword, standing between Simpson and Archie. Meanwhile, the rain begins to fall.

HORATIO: Step down, Simpson. You have made this ship a hell, and destroyed the reputation of the British Navy.

SIMPSON: Well, then, if you're so much better, tell the crew who caused Pellew's death.

HORATIO: …I did.

ARCHIE: No! It can't be.

SIMPSON: You murderer!

He chases Horatio up the mast, eventually culminating in Horatio hanging off the edge of the fighting top by his fingers.

SIMPSON: Hmm, this looks familiar. Quite like the captain before he died. (seizes Horatio's wrists) And a final word of wisdom for you, Snotty. (whispers) I pushed the Captain.

Furious, Horatio uses brute strength to leap back up and pin Simpson down.

HORATIO: Tell the ship that! NOW!

SIMPSON (quietly): I did it.

HORATIO: So they can hear you.

SIMPSON (loudly): _I killed Captain Pellew!_

Upon hearing that news, the loyal crewmembers (led by Archie) attack Simpson's men. Three men corner Matthews and prepare to kill him, when…

MONCOUTANT: Let him go!

RANDALL: Hey, who's the Frog?

MONCOUTANT: Well, call me Mr. Frog! (charging the crewmen so they scatter).

Horatio and Simpson, meanwhile, battle on the fighting top. Horatio eventually has Simpson cornered.

HORATIO: You murdering bastard.

SIMPSON: Hornblower, please, you don't understand. I was coerced into doing it by the men. They hated you.

Unbeknownst to either of them, Hobbs had climbed up the rigging to lend a hand, and therefore just heard that. Angry, he sneaks away. Horatio points his sword at Simpson.

HORATIO: I'm not like you, Simpson. I'll spare your life.

SIMPSON: Oh, thank you, Hornblower. What can I do to repay you?

HORATIO: Desert the ship. And never come back.

SIMPSON: As you wish…Oh, Captain, my Captain.

With that, he plunges a dagger into Horatio's shoulder. The two of them are so furious that they ignore the swords hanging off their belts and go at it hand-to-hand (some parts, inexplicably, in slow motion). Finally, Horatio kicks Simpson off the fighting top, and he 

tumbles to the quarterdeck (which is a shorter distance, so that's why he doesn't die while Pellew does. Please don't ask me to explain the logic here). As he groggily gets up, he sees his loyal men standing over him.

SIMPSON: Ah, my men.

HOBBS: Hmm…your men? I thought we were the ones who drove you to kill Pellew.

With that, they fall on him and stab him to death. Then they strip him of his sword and throw his body overboard. As the cleansing rain pours down, Horatio shakily climbs down the mast. He's met by his French friends, who clap him on the back, by Styles, who salutes, and by Archie, who all but gives him a hug. Then Matthews comes forward and hands Horatio the captain's sword.

MATTHEWS: I think it's time, sir.

Horatio, swallowing nervously, turns to the Captain's quarterdeck. As swelling music plays, he climbs to the deck and looks out over the men. Drawing his sword, he sweeps it over his crew.

HORATIO: _GOD SAVE THE KING!!_

CREW: _GOD SAVE THE KING!!_

The _Indy _transforms in a fade-dissolve from a wreck to the magnificent vessel it is. And the film ends with a new ceremony…Horatio naming Archie as his successor, while we hear a chorus in the background.

CHORUS: Till we find our place

In the Royal Navy

And the chain

The chain of command

(Fade to black)

A/N: For those of you curious as to what's being sung in French, it's my rather loose translation of the Hakuna Matata song. Except _Ivrogne Matelot_ really _does_ mean 'Drunken Sailor'.


End file.
